Toughen Up

I've been musing on what to write for the past few days. I've been wanting to write since last Sunday, but life was too busy. :) There have been quite a few thoughts running through my head, and a lot of topics that Michael and I have been discussing lately. Child training is, of course, almost always at the forefront.

First off, I am so glad that I married Michael. Not just glad, but grateful. Last Sunday, we spent the afternoon with 3 other couples who have young children. One of the other moms was mentioning how well trained Ethan is. I told her that it was because of all the work that Michael had done. If left to my own devices, Ethan would be a very different Ethan. He would whine a whole lot more than he does. He would throw tantrums, that I am sure of. He certainly would not pick up his toys. And he most definitely would not sit silently through church. Michael opened my eyes up to the possibilities of what kind of training you can do with a child. Did you know that you can train a 13 month old to sit still and not fight while you cut their nails? Or that I 14 month old can sit through an hour and a half long church service without crying, whining, having toys or eating snacks? I had no clue at all. But, because Michael was the oldest of 6 children, he saw and experienced and learned what to do and what not to do with training children.

One of the things that we've been discussing is making sure that our children are tough. I think that this must be one of the hardest things for a mother to do. You think to yourself, if my child is crying then there must be something wrong. He needs me to comfort him, to let him cry, to continue to be the nurturer. In reality, your child, whether girl or boy, needs you, the parent, to toughen up. When they are toddlers, they are always falling. Ethan looks like an abused child with all the bruises that he has. It comes with the territory. Ethan has a nasty bruise on his eyelid because he fell into the bathtub the other day while I was giving Caleb a bath. There's a fading bruise on his forehead from when the front of one of his trucks collided with his noggin. He's a boy; he's a toddler; he is always getting into something.

There are friends of my family who have five daughters, ranging in age from 9 years to 3 months. These are some of the most feminine girls you will ever see...but they are also the toughest. My Mom has related to me the story of how one night at church one of the girls(6 or 7 years old) received a blow to the head with a guitar. My Mom was surprised to see that instead of crying or whining, she picked herself up, smiled, and went on her way. Now THAT is one tough little girl. Her father has a motto that it is his job to make the girls tough, and his wife's job to make sure that they are ladies. They are doing a great job with that.

I have a friend who has a 10 month old. We were in 'cry room' last Sunday while I nursed Caleb. Her son had recently become mobile, and was crawling and cruising all over the place. He is a joy to watch as he discovers and learns new things. He has a beautiful smile. At one point, he was cruising on the back of the chairs, and he tripped and fell. It must have hurt. He started crying, and my friend went right over, started apologizing to him, and continued to try and comfort him. He kept on crying. My friend is very tender-hearted. I know that she is comforting him because she loves him. I wish that she could see that comforting him every time he falls is not going to help him in the long run. Some people may see this as being 'mean'. Michael often jokes that I need to become a 'mean mommy' like he's a 'mean daddy'. If you don't teach a child now to pick himself up and stand on his own two feet, then when will you? Our job as parents is to put ourselves out of a job as soon as possible.

Children are fast learners. When they see that parents will run to their attention whenever they hurt themselves, they know that if they ever want their parents undivided attention, they have the perfect way to get it. Some may be shocked, and deny that their 'little angel' could be such a 'little devil'. Surely their child would not-could not sin in such a way. It is simply human nature.

Our children must learn to be tough, to stand on their own, to deal with rejection. As Christians, they will be rejected at some point in their lives. Michael Pearl says, "It is not a tough exterior that God desires or that people admire; it is a tough spirit, an overcoming spirit, a spirit of service, caring not for the sparse thanks, nor flinching at misunderstanding". The rest of that article is great on not raising a 'sissy' for a boy.

Michael often says that I am too soft with Ethan. Its true. It is due to my inconsistencies with Ethan that he is not a better-trained, more obedient child. I am striving to be more consistent with my training of Ethan, while not becoming 'mean' in the true sense of the word. Ethan is a joy. I want him to know that he is a joy. If Ethan falls and gets hurt around me, he usually cries. If he falls around Daddy...not a tear. Daddy says, "Get up", and Ethan does. He continues to play joyfully, as if nothing has happened.

I am tougher than some, though. People must see me as 'mean', especially older grandmotherly types. One time at church Ethan was playing with some older children, and he fell and hit his head on the podium. A grandmother nearby was ready to run to his aid, but I put my hand out to stop her, said that he was fine...and he was. He stood up, smiled, and continued to run and play with the other children. He's becoming an independent man, which is exactly what is supposed to be happening. I want him to know that if he falls and hurts himself, he will be okay.

What do I want Ethan to be like 15 years from now? Do I want him to be afraid to try new things, because he might get hurt, or do I want him to be adventurous, motivated, and fearless? He needs to know that mistakes will be made, that he will 'tumble and fall', and that Mama will not always be there to comfort him. He needs to know to continue on, even when he is in pain. He, being my firstborn, will have to take care of me and the younger children when Daddy gets deployed. He needs to be brave. The physical aspects of training him not to cry when he falls carries over to so many other areas of character. It will make his spirit strong, his mind strong, and his will strong.

Weekend of Fun

Michael had his last class on Thursday night, and he doesn't start the fall session until the 27th. Woo-hoo! On Friday, we walked up to the playground by our development's pool. Ethan had fun going down the slide with Daddy, going on the zip-line, and watching a frog. It started to rain on us(as Michael predicted), so we went home and laid the boys down for their naps. After Ethan woke up, I wanted to go and do something, but since we don't have a lot(or any) of money to waste on frivolous things, we decided to have a fun day inside.

Michael and Ethan built a fort out of blankets and furniture. Daddy builds much better forts than Mommy does. Ethan and Michael had a blast crawling through the tunnel. Ethan even had a snack in the fort.


After the fort building, Michael entertained Caleb while Ethan and I baked cookies together for the first time! As most know, I used to be the baker in my house. While I still am, I don't bake nearly as much as I used to. I'm down from twice a week to once every 3-4 months. In fact, I haven't baked since May. Wow!

Ethan had so much fun helpping me stir, and watching the Kitchenaid beat everything together. He LOVED the chocolate chips. I've been looking forward to having him help me in the kitchen, and am so happy that he's old enough to 'help' bake. Christmas is going to be so much fun this year when we decorate and bake cookies as gifts.

Ethan definitely enjoys helping me out...


Eating a chocolate chip...


Sweeping up our mess...


Enjoying the fruits of our labor...




Here's a picture of Caleb, smiling while on the table. Michael took quite a few of him while Ethan and I were making cookies. See their Nursery for more pics.


On Saturday morning, we went to a few yard sales, and spent a grand total of $12.50. The first place was a couple blocks away from our house, so the boys and I went at 8:30 while Daddy was still sleeping. I spent $5.50 and got a bunch of fall clothes for both Caleb and Ethan, and a pair of shoes for Ethan. They had a sand and water table for $5, which we came back with the car and bought an hour later. Its in great condition, and has a castle that goes in it and everything. Ethan will have fun this summer, but he and Caleb are going to have even more fun playing with it together next year.

We then went to the Navy base, where they were having a community wide yard sale. We went to two, and drove by 3 or 4. We hit the jackpot, though, when we found a carpet sweeper. For those who don't know, Ethan loves the vacuum cleaner. He is always helping me vacuum by moving the cord for me. If I want him to be entertained for at least half an hour while I have to do something, I bring out the vacuum for him to play with and explore. Anyway, we were at a friends' house a few weeks back, and their daughter has a toy vacuum cleaner. For the four hours that we were there, that was the toy that Ethan loved the most. Michael and I were joking with our friends that it was too bad that they didn't make working toy vacuums, because then it would make our jobs a lot easier. Just send to kids to vacuum! Thats when we came up with the idea with getting Ethan a carpet sweeper for Christmas. I was even going to pay full retail price for it. At the yard sale today, however, I found it for the grand price of $1, and it had only been used twice. Ethan was 'sweeping up a storm'!


The weekend isn't even over yet, and already we've had a great time as a family. I love that what we have done has not only been inexpensive, but also productive and useful. This is something that Michael and I are trying to impress upon our children, and ourselves. The existentialist mindset is that of the pursuit of fun and amusement, simply for the sake of entertainment. Michael and I are not against fun, but we want our children to be productive; to be producers, not simply consumers. We had thought about doing something 'fun', like Chuck E Cheese, or the Aquarium, maybe going to a park and running around. They all would have been fine and good, but would they have been the best?

I'm so glad that we stayed in the AC, and had a good time working together as a family, having fun, but while being productive. Ethan won't remember this weekend, but by building on this foundation, he will be able to learn so much! He can learn how to bake, how to look for great deals on things that we would like to buy...and he will learn and know that his parents love and enjoy him. I want my children to know that they are needed assets to this family, that they are not just loved and enjoyed, but really and truly needed.

Equality Among Brothers

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I wondered if I would be able to love my second born as much as I loved Ethan. Of course, I KNEW I was having a girl(uproarious laughter), so I wasn't too concerned with them having to compete for my affection. The first daughter would most definitely not feel inadequate or unloved; after all, she was still a first. As God planned it, Jane Victoria has not yet made her appearance, but instead Caleb Nathan graced us with his presence. He and Ethan are going to be such good friends, and Ethan loves him so much already. Next summer will be an absolute blast, and my two boys will be running around doing everything together. I am very grateful that we have two boys.

Once we found out that we were having a Caleb instead of a Jane, my fear was still that he would still not feel as loved as Ethan. Ethan's arrival came with such fanfare...I had four baby showers, everyone was always asking about how he was doing...and everyone still does. When we were gone for 2 months, our church family kept on saying how much they missed Ethan...and Michael and Allie, of course. :)

Throughout my pregnancy, I felt like I had to defend myself for 'getting' pregnant so soon. There were so many negative comments made...and I did NOT want my son to feel that he wasn't wanted, or that we would regret having him. There are differences between the pregnancies of the first born, and all the subsequent babies to follow. With your first, everything is so new and foreign. You have no idea what to expect, and because its all so new, there's an air of excitement about everything, even the mundane things.

A friend of mine who also has two 15 months apart said that after her first son was born, she was so in awe of him, and full of adrenaline and just taking it all in. With her second, it was like, "Okay, I have another baby". No less amount of love, but it just wasn't as...novel, I guess. I can completely relate to her assessment. But I wonder if my lack of awe will be translated as a lack of love.

Have any other mothers felt this way, or am I the only crackpot out here?

When Caleb was first born, I wanted to make sure that he felt just as loved as Ethan...so I insisted on buying him a baby book, even though he already had a scrapbook that would suffice. Why? Because Ethan had a baby book and a scrapbook, and I didn't want Caleb to feel like he deserved less. Silly, I know, but I was so adamant about it.

I've always struggled with the idea that something can be equal, but be different. When I first became a Christian and learned about submission, I basically began espousing that women were to be servants to men, and were not of equal importance. That is a complete lie, and misunderstanding of what Scripture teaches. I'm sure that its okay, and normal, for the reactions to be different between first borns and all the rest. As time goes on, I will probably accept this, and hopefully with the next baby, it won't even be an issue.

I am praying that Michael and I have wisdom in making sure that all our children feel loved, which will be difficult considering the fact that we hope to have a large family. I do know that there is enough 'room in my heart' for both my boys, and for all the rest that come along. I love watching Michael talk to Caleb, and to see Ethan give the baby kisses. And I LOVE it when Caleb smiles.

Sleeping Babies...that don't sleep.

Caleb is turning into Ethan at this age.

As some know, Ethan was not a sleeper until he hit 4 months. Until that point, my goal was one 30 minute nap a day. When I first became a mother I was shocked that my sweet little baby would not sleep. I distinctly remember when he was 3 weeks old he was up for 14 hours straight, with one 45 minute nap in my arms. Thankfully, even that was not the norm, and he would 'catnap' in my arms throughout the day. But, he was usually awake, and definitely wouldn't sleep for much longer than half an hour.

For the past few days, Caleb has not taken more than an hour long nap in his cradle, and it hasn't been coordinating with Ethan's nap. Today, he slept on and off for most of the morning, but every time I laid him down he was awake within 20 minutes. I got a shower in, thankfully, but he woke up in the middle of it. I nursed him, he fell asleep, I laid him down...and he woke up 10 minutes later as I was eating lunch. I played with him, walked him around, and laid him on my chest for the next half hour, during which he fell asleep...for a total of 15 minutes. At his next feeding, he finally fell asleep, and I laid him down. He slept for...half an hour. :) Ethan was coloring while I was writing thank you notes, when I heard that tell-tale cry emanating from my bedroom. Sigh.

As a first time mother, I didn't know that you could do things while the baby was awake. Now I know that I can. Caleb has a nice little spot on a table runner on my kitchen table...I should post a picture. He stares out the glass door, usually content, although there are times that cry he must as I clean Ethan up, do dishes, make dinner, and all the things that come with being a wife and mother.

Today I washed dishes, made coffee, cooked pancakes and eggs for breakfast, took a shower, ate lunch, made up nursing tea (which tastes awful, by the way), am washing my cloth diapers, and made lunch for Ethan and Michael. Dinner is thawing in the fridge, and I'll be going on a walk in a little while. I NEVER would have gotten this much done when Ethan was 7 weeks old...I don't think I started getting even a fraction of this done until he was 4 or 5 months old. What a difference between a firstborn and a second born.

Hopefully Caleb will begin taking better naps soon, and he will be on more of a schedule. Michael will be starting up school full time in a few weeks, and when that begins I will no longer have him home to help. Basically he'll be leaving as soon as the boys get up, and getting home right before I put Ethan to bed. I know that I'll be able to do it...I have other Navy Wife friends whose husbands are never home to help...and they can still smile and laugh through it. I need to start getting ready for him to be gone, because in three short years he will be deployed , and I will have to experience 'single mommyhood' for myself.

Caleb just fell asleep again while nursing...I'm going to go lay him down.

A Day in the Life

As every mother knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Most of the days in my life are good. There have surprisingly few 'bad days' since Caleb arrived. They usually occur because Ethan and Caleb's naps don't coordinate, and so my usual 2 hours of productivity are gone. Thankfully, Ethan is now a great nap taker and rarely fights sleep, and Caleb will eventually fall asleep, even if its not within the time frame that I want. Caleb is 'waking up', and instead of taking 3-4 long naps, he's now taking at least one good long nap, with a few 'mini naps' scattered throughout the day.

Caleb's starting to smile, and, oh, it is a beautiful sight. I love it when they start smiling back at you. Whenever Michael or I hold Caleb now, we're always trying to get him to smile. Its great when they start responding to you, and acting more like a person rather than a doll that eat, sleeps and poops all day. He's developing his own personality, and I know that I need to make sure that I keep Caleb's identity separate from Ethan's. A friend at church told me that she had failed to do that with her two boys who are 15 months apart. While their personalities are different, the younger one had lost himself in the older. When the older son went to college, the younger was left aimless, as if his other half was gone. I want all of my children to be close, but not to their detriment. Especially with Michael and I most likely having many children close together, we'll have to be aware of the fact that our children need to have something to call their own, whether it be a talent or a hobby or something. I think that Ethan will be more of the Alpha Male, and Caleb will be more of a follower. I'll have to make sure that Ethan doesn't overrun his brother...or 'mother hen' him too much. :)

Right now Ethan's climbing on a half-sleeping Michael. He's pointing to his feet, kissing his cheeks, and attempting to stick his finger up Daddy's nose. He's trying to pull the blanket off of Michael, and is making lots of insistent 'ma' noises, while emphatically rubbing his chest in the sign for 'please'. Caleb is nursing as I write, half asleep. Ethan and I are also listening to the thunder in the distance, even though all I see out my window is blue sky.

Today is a good day.