Toughen Up

I've been musing on what to write for the past few days. I've been wanting to write since last Sunday, but life was too busy. :) There have been quite a few thoughts running through my head, and a lot of topics that Michael and I have been discussing lately. Child training is, of course, almost always at the forefront.

First off, I am so glad that I married Michael. Not just glad, but grateful. Last Sunday, we spent the afternoon with 3 other couples who have young children. One of the other moms was mentioning how well trained Ethan is. I told her that it was because of all the work that Michael had done. If left to my own devices, Ethan would be a very different Ethan. He would whine a whole lot more than he does. He would throw tantrums, that I am sure of. He certainly would not pick up his toys. And he most definitely would not sit silently through church. Michael opened my eyes up to the possibilities of what kind of training you can do with a child. Did you know that you can train a 13 month old to sit still and not fight while you cut their nails? Or that I 14 month old can sit through an hour and a half long church service without crying, whining, having toys or eating snacks? I had no clue at all. But, because Michael was the oldest of 6 children, he saw and experienced and learned what to do and what not to do with training children.

One of the things that we've been discussing is making sure that our children are tough. I think that this must be one of the hardest things for a mother to do. You think to yourself, if my child is crying then there must be something wrong. He needs me to comfort him, to let him cry, to continue to be the nurturer. In reality, your child, whether girl or boy, needs you, the parent, to toughen up. When they are toddlers, they are always falling. Ethan looks like an abused child with all the bruises that he has. It comes with the territory. Ethan has a nasty bruise on his eyelid because he fell into the bathtub the other day while I was giving Caleb a bath. There's a fading bruise on his forehead from when the front of one of his trucks collided with his noggin. He's a boy; he's a toddler; he is always getting into something.

There are friends of my family who have five daughters, ranging in age from 9 years to 3 months. These are some of the most feminine girls you will ever see...but they are also the toughest. My Mom has related to me the story of how one night at church one of the girls(6 or 7 years old) received a blow to the head with a guitar. My Mom was surprised to see that instead of crying or whining, she picked herself up, smiled, and went on her way. Now THAT is one tough little girl. Her father has a motto that it is his job to make the girls tough, and his wife's job to make sure that they are ladies. They are doing a great job with that.

I have a friend who has a 10 month old. We were in 'cry room' last Sunday while I nursed Caleb. Her son had recently become mobile, and was crawling and cruising all over the place. He is a joy to watch as he discovers and learns new things. He has a beautiful smile. At one point, he was cruising on the back of the chairs, and he tripped and fell. It must have hurt. He started crying, and my friend went right over, started apologizing to him, and continued to try and comfort him. He kept on crying. My friend is very tender-hearted. I know that she is comforting him because she loves him. I wish that she could see that comforting him every time he falls is not going to help him in the long run. Some people may see this as being 'mean'. Michael often jokes that I need to become a 'mean mommy' like he's a 'mean daddy'. If you don't teach a child now to pick himself up and stand on his own two feet, then when will you? Our job as parents is to put ourselves out of a job as soon as possible.

Children are fast learners. When they see that parents will run to their attention whenever they hurt themselves, they know that if they ever want their parents undivided attention, they have the perfect way to get it. Some may be shocked, and deny that their 'little angel' could be such a 'little devil'. Surely their child would not-could not sin in such a way. It is simply human nature.

Our children must learn to be tough, to stand on their own, to deal with rejection. As Christians, they will be rejected at some point in their lives. Michael Pearl says, "It is not a tough exterior that God desires or that people admire; it is a tough spirit, an overcoming spirit, a spirit of service, caring not for the sparse thanks, nor flinching at misunderstanding". The rest of that article is great on not raising a 'sissy' for a boy.

Michael often says that I am too soft with Ethan. Its true. It is due to my inconsistencies with Ethan that he is not a better-trained, more obedient child. I am striving to be more consistent with my training of Ethan, while not becoming 'mean' in the true sense of the word. Ethan is a joy. I want him to know that he is a joy. If Ethan falls and gets hurt around me, he usually cries. If he falls around Daddy...not a tear. Daddy says, "Get up", and Ethan does. He continues to play joyfully, as if nothing has happened.

I am tougher than some, though. People must see me as 'mean', especially older grandmotherly types. One time at church Ethan was playing with some older children, and he fell and hit his head on the podium. A grandmother nearby was ready to run to his aid, but I put my hand out to stop her, said that he was fine...and he was. He stood up, smiled, and continued to run and play with the other children. He's becoming an independent man, which is exactly what is supposed to be happening. I want him to know that if he falls and hurts himself, he will be okay.

What do I want Ethan to be like 15 years from now? Do I want him to be afraid to try new things, because he might get hurt, or do I want him to be adventurous, motivated, and fearless? He needs to know that mistakes will be made, that he will 'tumble and fall', and that Mama will not always be there to comfort him. He needs to know to continue on, even when he is in pain. He, being my firstborn, will have to take care of me and the younger children when Daddy gets deployed. He needs to be brave. The physical aspects of training him not to cry when he falls carries over to so many other areas of character. It will make his spirit strong, his mind strong, and his will strong.